Disappointment
There’s a lot to be said for having faith in people. It’s a driving force for waking up in the morning. It’s a background application in your daily existence. More than that, it’s a startup program that allows proper functioning of your emotional well-being. It’s why it makes you mad when someone allows the door they just opened to slam into you. It’s what allows you to make new friends, trust them, and grant them access into your personal bubble. It is assuming people obey traffic laws, it’s assuming your food isn’t poisoned at the restaurant, it’s being weirded out when a dude’s yelling ‘the end is near’ down the street.
There’s no real reason for us to believe in a god, and people say you just have to have faith. It’s the same with people: there’s no real reason to think anyone will obey social convention, but we assume they will. We have faith that they will.
So what about when you start to lose that faith in people? When you start thinking that maybe, when you’re awesome & think of others, that in fact, others are not mirroring said sentiment. What about when people create their own social convention that involves lying, a lack of consideration for others, general disrespectful behaviour, and they impose it upon the rest of unassuming us still clinging to the vestiges of common courtesy and general well-treatment of others?
I don’t know how to reconcile my life and ideals with what I’m facing every day from my peers. I’m saddened and disgusted by their behaviour. I only realized that it ‘s been evident in my demeanor last night, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve got to say too, that it’s men – men are who are bumming me the fuck out. The women in my life, new and old, have been there through and through, demonstrating an unparalleled level of friendship I never expected. The men, for the most part, have done nothing but disappoint me time after time, on so many different levels. For a girl who has more guy friends than girls, this is a big deal. My friends are those guys who are villains in romantic comedies: they lie, cheat, manipulate, to have sex, get their way, boost their egos. And I am helpless against it except complaining to them, to try to demonstrate how it hurts to have said actions inflicted upon yourself with my own experiences in this realm, and nothing changes. I get scoffed at, eye-rolled at or straight up ignored. I don’t know what more I can do. It seems my choice in men isn’t that much better than the poor girls they put through the ringer, and it just slowly suffocates me. I was always idealistic, or at very least optimistic about the way I thought my friends accosted the world – we’re from the punk scene, we’ve been discarded by the real world so many times, but we don’t care, cuz we’re not like them. We have morals, we believe in ethics, we believe in justice, or so our songs claim. Too bad they can’t live up to that. Too bad I bought into it and am now paying the price for hope.
The last thing I ever wanted to be was jaded. It’s like I feel like the chick in the fifth element. I just need love to give me hope again, but it’s in that that I lost my faith. And it’s that that always gave me faith.
I love my friends, but I feel dissonance about their actions. Do I accept that this is the new way of acting in relationships? Do I settle for being treated like a pretty face that will do when it’s convenient? I can’t accept that, but I fear I’m an obsolete model that can’t (won’t) be updated.
